Doctor: “Do you drink a lot of coke?”
Me: *shifts uncomfortably and avoids eye contact* “Um. A bit, yes.”
Doctor: *raises eyebrow* “A bit?”
Me: “Okay, well more than I should I guess.”
Doctor: “Well you need to cut down. It’s not doing you any good and could be contributing to these palpitations.”
Me: *laughs hysterically*
Doctor: “I’m being serious.”
Me: “Can I see your qualifications please?”
If I have one vice, apart from hot bearded rock stars, it’s definitely Diet Coke. I don’t drink coffee, I don’t smoke, don’t do drugs (unless nurofen counts) and I don’t drink very often. But Diet Coke is my one addiction and I literally cannot go for a day without drinking it. I gave it up once. That’s just once in about fifteen years. When I was pregnant, I decided that I needed to drink more water for my baby and weaned myself off the demon drink.
Yes. I actually had to wean myself off it. There was no way I was going cold turkey. It all seemed too painful. So I cut down over the space of a few weeks and then finally stuck to water or juice. And as soon as the little one was taken out of me and I was back home, I started guzzling the stuff again. Just one won’t hurt, I thought. Fool.
And now the issue of my liking for Diet Coke is raising it’s fizzy head again. I went to the doctors over palpitations and dizziness I have been experiencing on and off for about three years; strange horrible attacks that saw me go through a number of heart tests last year and all of which came back thankfully negative.
Anyway, the doctor now suspects it’s sensitivity to low blood sugar and says the coke isn’t helping. Meh. What does he know? I mean, it’s not like he’s an expert right? In fact, I have my suspicions that he works for Pepsi. It’s a Pepsi conspiracy, I’m telling you!
Don’t think I haven’t noticed how they’re slashing their prices in an effort to win the war with the Coca-Cola Corporation. And all those people who keep saying to me “you really need to cut down on the Diet Coke.” Yep, thats you mum. And you, dad. And every other pesky do-gooder that tells me it’s no good for me.
“You know if you pour a bottle down the sink, it cleans your pipes and drains. Now can you imagine what its doing to your insides?”
Myths and lies! If that was the case why do we have Mr Muscle pipe and drain cleaner? We’d all be pouring Diet Coke down our drains, instead of overpriced bottles of super-powered bleach. These people are on the Pepsi payroll!
And what about all those restaurants and fast-food joints:
Me: “I’ll have a Diet Coke please.”
Waitress: “We only have Pepsi. Is that okay?”
Me: *fixes her with death stare* “Um. Actually no, it’s not okay. If I wanted Pepsi, I’d asked for bloody Pepsi. I want a Diet Coke.”
Think about it. When do you ever hear someone say “I’ll have a Pepsi” and the waitress says “Oh I’m sorry, we only have Diet Coke”? Never. It just doesn’t happen. See?
People want me to think it’s a health issue. But I know it’s nothing but carbonated drink politics!
I won’t be fooled, Pepsi. I know your game and I’m not playing.