The university library had become a real haven for me in the day-time. However when I was meant to be studying Maya Angelou and Ted Hughes, I was lingering amongst the gothic horror and mythology sections. But the more I read, the more frustrated I grew. It was quite clear that these authors had never come across a real vampire in their life, and were merely re-hashing old legend and writing about their own perception of what a vampire might be like. I was fed up of reading about how vampires were nothing but tortured souls, sold down the river into a life of slavery to their blood desires. I was sick of reading about how they would much rather feed on rats or woodland animals if they could, because as you already know by now; Louis de Point du Lac, these vampires are not. I wanted to scream every time I saw young girls in the library mooning over the Twilight series, chattering excitedly in hushed voices about how they wished Edward Cullen would pay them a visit. Sometimes I spitefully wondered if introducing them to Mr Giant-From-Hell would help put an end to that ridiculous romantic notion.
Nothing I read was helping me. What I really wanted was a book entitled ‘How to Avoid Vampires for the Rest of your Life’ but I guess I knew the answer to that was to never leave the house after nightfall. Or maybe ‘How to Kill a Vampire using only your Death Stare’ would have been a good one too. But instead what I found was endless romantic twaddle which they might as well have entitled ‘Vampires Have Feelings Too (subtitled: If You Prick Us Do We Not Bleed?). It was all irritatingly painful.
I trawled through page after page hoping to find some mention of ‘sensors’ but could only find mention of ‘slayers’ and a slayer I was most certainly not. However I did briefly toy with the idea of tracing my lineage back to see whether I once had a relative called Van Helsing, whose idea of a good time was tomb-raiding and spiking a few fanged demons whilst they slept. But considering my cowardly disposition and constant urge to run in the opposite direction whenever I met a vampire, I guessed that any connection to the Van Helsing family tree was most unlikely.
After scouring the shelves on a daily basis, I was starting to think that maybe I should write a book on vampires; it seemed I knew more than all these authors put together. Maybe I could have entitled it ‘Never Turn Your Back on Anyone With Sharp Pointy Teeth’ or ‘Bravado is for Fools’.
Copyright (c) Lindsey Clarke 2010