First of all, apologies to anyone who might think I’m about to make some commentary about Jedi’s, Darth Vader or Yoda. This post has absolutely nothing to do with Luke Skywalker so stop reading now if you were looking for some Jedi action (I guarantee you my older brother has disappeared already).
I wrote a post on the same subject a couple of months ago and then deleted it and banished it to the bin marked ‘Self-Indulgent Crap’ but for some reason I felt the need to resurrect it, not quite phoenix style, from the ashes of old unwanted posts.
I guess the reason why I wanted to write about my PND again is because it’s really hit home recently that its probably been about five months since I’ve felt PND-free. And at first, I never even realised I was escaping the Dark Side (as I like to call it), it just strangely disappeared just as quickly as it hit. Maybe when you have been used to something living with you for so long, you don’t even realise it’s packed it’s bags and left, because you never felt it would ever go.
But it did and that’s what I find weird because nothing in my life has changed. Nothing. SSDD as we like to say. It’s all still the same old shit, just a different day. So to those who ever tried to give my PND some substance but explaining why I felt that way…’well it’s because of this’ or ‘well it’s because of that’, I guess you were wrong and the thing is I always knew you were. If there’s one thing that I am, it’s that I am truthful to myself and I always knew there was no real reason for it. It just was.
I won’t go into the in’s and out’s of the whole two and half years of PND, other than to say anyone who has ever experienced it will know exactly what I’m saying and also that it has taught me LOADS about myself and about other people.
I’ve learned to fish out the good friends from the bad. I’ve learned that some people are just angels and support you every step of the way, even if they don’t fully understand the condition. They know when to talk to you and they know when to back off.
I’ve learned so much from people who have gone through the same or similar and have totally understood my dark confessions when things were really bad. I’ve learned that it’s okay to confess and it’s nothing to be ashamed of or guilty about.
I’ve also learned that some people just can’t deal with it; that they’d rather ignore you or ignore what you’re going through simply because they don’t want to understand it, whether that’s because it makes them uncomfortable or they just couldn’t give a toss, I don’t know. Unfortunately some people, and often the people you least expect, still hold that stigma when it comes to matters of mental health and it’s only when you confront them do you realise that are fully fledged members of the ‘No Nutters Allowed Club’.
PND has taught me so much about the ones that are worth keeping and the ones that, unfortunately, are best to let go of and I think I have finally come to terms with that. I cant say it doesn’t hurt just a little, but c’est la vie.
So here’s to another month free from the Dark Side……*hangs bunting and blows trumpet*
Okay….enough of that……pass me my Ewok suit, let’s go dance…..